Rhapsody
by Pumpkin Zucchini
Summary: High School AU which includes drugs, hobos, and violent teachers. Prompt from Amethyst Turtle.


This was from a prompt by Amethyst Turtle, which can be found in her AN in chapter 4 of Satirical Lulz. Amethyst Turtle also gave me more of the ideas here that are not told in the prompt, so she gets more of the credit.  
I wanted to squeeze in more cameos, but it was stretching out too long...

6-4: Scene dividers replaced.

* * *

Robin wasn't particularly nervous, which was strange considering it was her first day of school.

High school, to be more specific.

Not to mention she was going to be, undoubtedly, the youngest student attending.

"Here we are." Robin's mother said, smoothly parking the car in front of the school.

Robin silently nodded and took her backpack.

"You'll be fine." Olvia smiled. Robin nodded again. Olvia briefly kissed her daughter on the forehead and entered the school, leaving the eight-year-old standing in the middle of a rushing crowd of students that towered above her small figure.

Robin took a deep breath and stepped foward. Immediately, another student nearly tripped over her.

"Oi! Watch where you're- hey... aren't you supposed to be in Elementary School?" a taller girl looked down at Robin. She had a bright orange dye job that reminded Robin of tangerines.

Robin shook her head.

"Ooohh... you're that new prodigy student in that everyone's been talking about, huh?" the girl's eyes glinted briefly. She smiled cheerfully. "Nico Robin, right? I'm Nami."

Robin nodded.

"Huh. You're kinda quiet, aren't you?" Nami waited for a response. There was none. "You _can _talk, right?"

"Yes."

"Cool. Come with me. I'll show you around the school." Nami grabbed Robin's arm and dragged her along.

"That's alright, I already-"

"No need to thank me! Aw, you're so _cute_!" Nami squealed, mussing up Robin's hair. "Alright, the Foreign Languages building is over _there_, the Arts building is right next to it, the Main Building is right _here_, and the Gym is waaay over _there_. They moved the locker rooms over there, so you have to walk fast if you don't want the coach to be pissed off." Nami suddenly stiffened. "Oh, shit."

"What's wrong?" Robin asked, discreetly trying to tug herself free from Nami's iron grip.

"Hello, Nami-chan." a tall blonde wearing a ridiculously revealing fishnet outfit (that obviously went against every rule in the dress code) walked up to them. "It's wonderful to see you again."

"Go away, stalker." Nami snapped.

"Oh? And who's your little friend?" the twelfth-grader knelt down and smiled at Robin. Robin shuddered involuntarily and turned away.

"Robin, stay away from Kalifa. She's the school slut and probably a pedophile too." Nami said, pulling Robin behind her.

"Tut tut. So rude, Nami-chan." Kalifa wagged a finger at Nami.

"Leave us alone!" Nami snarled.

"Tsk. So, so rude." Kalifa shook her head sadly. Nami scowled at her and pulled Robin away.

"She's been following me around since the first day." Nami explained as they walked. "She even tried to sexually harass me in the bathroom once! Ugh."

"Is that allowed?"

"Heeell no. But her daddy's part of some big government thing so... yeah." Nami sighed.

"That's just wrong."

"And you're so darn cute!" Nami grinned, unable to resist mussing up Robin's hair again.

-X-

When Zoro woke up, he was covered in dry baloney that had no doubt been placed on him by students who thought they were all-funny and all-that-shit.

He shrugged and ate all of it. Hey, it _was _free food.

Zoro stretched his stiff arms and glanced around. School must have started already because there weren't any students around. He stood up and peeked through a tinted window. Yup. There were students inside that classroom. Only two or three were actually sitting in their desks; the rest were jumping around, yelling and tossing footballs and paper airplanes to each other. Some weirdo with a bad hairdo that strangely resembled the number three was desperately trying to control the rowdy class.

Sucker.

Yawning again, Zoro scratched himself and brushed bits of lettuce out of his hair. He began to walk alongside the building, occassionally pausing to wave to a few students inside classrooms who recognized him.

"Hello, Mr. Roronoa." Olvia passed by him, nodding politely. She was holding a bunch of textbooks in her arms.

"Hey." Zoro nodded gruffly. "Is it true your kid's attending?"

"Yes. She's enrolled as a junior."

"Are you fucking crazy? She's gonna get eaten alive." Zoro said, pulling a bit of baloney off his flannel jacket and sticking it in his mouth.

"Robin can take care of herself." Olvia said.

"That's what they all say..." Zoro muttered.

"And who are 'they'?"

"It's just an expression." Zoro said irritably.

"Used in the wrong sense."

"Gah. Don't bother trying to teach me anything." Zoro waved her off and walked away. Olvia chuckled.

-X-

"Ugh. That was the worst class I've ever been to." Nami groaned as she led Robin out of the classroom. "I'm glad I don't have Trig. The teacher is such a pompous bastard. Didn't you notice him sending you those nasty death glares?"

"Um, no. You aren't taking Trigonometry?"

"Hell no! Why should I? Principal Chopper is going to let me pass all my required classes."

"Why?"

"Blackmail, my dear Robin. Blackmail." Nami grinned, patting Robin's head.

"Isn't that..."

"Illegal? Possibly. But wait 'till you meet Usopp."

-X-

Zoro strode up to a freshman with pale pink hair and a round face eating a sandwich with his group of friends, who were also eating sandwiches even though it was only a five-minute break. The boys eyed the man's disheveled appearance warily.

"Oi. You gonna finish that?" Zoro pointed at the sandwich.

"I-I- uh..." the boy stammered, nervously pushing his round glasses up his nose.

Zoro rolled his eyes and grabbed it. "Gimme that." He ate it in one shark-like bite.

"Hey! What was that for?" one of the boys yelled. He had an incredibly spiky hairdo that was dyed a nauseating shade of electric blue. "That's not super at all!"

"Freshman." Zoro scoffed. What was up with all these kids with weird hair colors? Not that he could say anything- his own hair resembled dry grass more than anything else. He began to walk away when he felt a tug at his ragged flannel jacket. It was the blue-hair kid.

"What's your name? I'm Cutty Flam, but that's a stupid name so everyone calls me Franky." the kid said excitedly.

"Why do you wanna know?"

"Because I think your hair is super!" Franky said, grinning widely. Zoro looked at him incredulously.

"Are you fucking with me, kid?"

"No way! How'd you get it green like that? I tried to dye _my _hair green, but it turned out blue. But blue's okay, too."

"It's natural."

"SUPER!" Franky's jaw dropped. "So what's your name?"

"Zoro."

"Are you a twelfth grader?"

"No. I'm twenty eight, dumbass."

"Holy crap. You must be _really _stupid then to be held back so many years."

"I wasn't held back!" Zoro sputtered indignantly. He then noticed that Franky wasn't wearing anything underneath his loose jacket and he donned a pair of impossibly short shorts that resembled Speedos more than pants. He wasn't wearing any shoes. "Why the hell are you following me, kid?"

"Because, I think you're super cool." Franky stated matter-of-factly. "Does this school sell cola?"

"No. Usopp probably does, though."

"Who?"

"The school drug dealer. You can find him in the back parking lot behind the dumpster." Zoro said, trying to get Franky to leave.

"Super! Thanks, Hobo-bro!" Franky grinned, running away. His bare feet made pit-pat sounds against the concrete. Zoro rolled his eyes and set off to search for a bush to sleep in.

-X-

"OLVIA!" a man with a blotchy face kicked the door viciously, even though it already was open. "Your brat is getting on my nerves! Go send her back to preschool!"

"Spandam, you know as well as I do that Robin's IQ is most likely tenfold higher than yours." Olvia calmly answered, grading tests.

"Shut up, bitch! You're just jealous that I get more money than you! Dahahaha!" Spandam laughed, kicking the door again for no apparent reason.

Olvia threw her stone paperweight at Spandam. It hit him smack in the eye and he fell over.

"B-bitch!" Spandam shouted. He scurried away.

Olvia sighed and resumed grading the tests. The trigonometry teacher really was becoming a bother.

-X-

"Thank you, Usopp-san. Yohohoho!" a tall, lanky, ragged man laughed, walking away with a paper bag in his bony hands. He continued laughing hysterically as he passed by Nami and Robin.

"See ya later, Brook!" Usopp waved. He began counting his earned money.

"I'll take that, thank you very much! And that covers a third of your debt to me!" Nami said, snatching the wad of cash away from Usopp.

"W-wha-NAMI! GIMME THAT BACK!" Usopp grabbed for it but Nami held it above his head. "That's my money!"

"Which belongs to me now!" Nami stuck her tongue out, holding the bag away.

"Bitch..."

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing! I'm sorry!" Usopp cowered. He finally noticed Robin, who was standing uncertainly behind Nami. "Oi... who's the kid?"

"So rude!" Nami smacked Usopp upside the head. "If you must know, she's Robin."

"You got stuck with her already, huh?" Usopp nodded sympathatically at Robin.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Nami demanded.

"Nothing!"

-X-

Usopp leaned against the rusty dumpster and sighed. Thanks to Nami, he had lost half of today's profits.

Somewhere on campus, the bell rang. Usopp peeked around the dumpster to watch the other students in the distance hurrying to their classes. He didn't come out until the last straggler ran inside.

"Yo!"

"EIEEYAAA!" Usopp shrieked, jumping up in the air. He hadn't noticed the short kid standing behind him. Usopp backed away. "Who the hell are you?"

"Franky! Do you have any cola?"

"Uh... no..." Usopp said.

"Aw. That's not _super _at all." Franky's bright grin turned down into a frown. "Eh, whatever. I'll go find some myself. See ya later, druggie-bro!" Franky ran off, waving over his shoulder.

"I'M NOT A DRUGGIE!" Usopp yelled after him, not wondering why Franky was skipping class.

"ZOROOOO!" Luffy hollered, hurtling out of the main building two seconds after the lunch bell rang. He sprinted over to a clump of bushes and began poking around with a long branch.

"Ow! What the hell, Luffy?" Zoro growled, his head poking out of the leaves. He snatched the branch away and chucked it.

"Guess what? I got a D _plus _on my history test! Miss Olvia says I'm really improving." Luffy grinned proudly.

"Good for you." Zoro yawned and lightly punched Luffy's shoulder.

"Oi! Hobo! Quit harassing the students!" a young man wearing a collared shirt strided over to them.

"Make me, pedo!" Zoro yelled back.

"DAMMIT, I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE!" the man yelled, kicking Zoro in the ribs. He turned to Luffy. "Why do you even hang out with this hobo, Luffy?"

"But Mr. Sanjiiii!" Luffy whined. "Zoro's my best bud!"

"He shouldn't even be here on school campus." Sanji growled, his fingers fidgeting. He wasn't allowed to smoke during school hours, which made him irritable.

"But I'm the obligatory school mascot." Zoro grinned cheekily.

"Yeah. The moldy mossball." Sanji rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, pedophile!"

"I told you a thousand times, that girl advanced on _me_! I'm the innocent party here!" Sanji said.

"That's not what everyone else says." Luffy said.

"Don't listen to those shitty rumors! I'm still working here, aren't I?" Sanji grabbed Luffy's shoulders. He abrubtly let go as he caught sight of Olvia exiting the main buildling. "Waaah! Miss Olviaaaa~!"

"Idiot." Zoro muttered as they watched Sanji twirl over to Olvia, shouting praises of her beauty up to the sky. Olvia smiled uncomfortably but allowed Sanji to accompany her to the cafeteria.

-X-

"Hello, Principal Chopper!" Nami waved cheerfully at the short, balding man timidly trying to avoid being trampled by the much taller students in the lunch rush.

"Ah, h-hello, Nami!" the man waved back. He tried to dash away but Nami quickly caught him by the arm.

"This is our beloved principal, Mr. Chopper." Nami said to Robin. Robin nodded politely.

"It's an honor to have you here, Nico Robin!" Chopper said hastily, smiling widely.

"Thank you, sir."

"G-g-gaawwww! I'm not flattered at all! Not at all!"

"...Okay." Robin nodded.

"Shall we go discuss more of my 'education system proposals' in private, Mr. Chopper?" Nami slung an arm around the much shorter man's shoulders and led him away. Chopper looked back helplessly at Robin.

-X-

Spandam ducked behind the counter, spying on the eight year old girl. She was talking to some weird-ass freshman with spiky blue hair.

"Can I help you, Mr. Spandam?" one of the cafeteria ladies, Boa Hancock, glared down contemptuously at him.

"You're supposed to be wearing a hairnet, bitch!" Spandam blurted out.

"Hmph. I have no need for such disgusting articles. The students don't mind if I get a bit of my hair in their lunches." Hancock sniffed. She leaned back and pointed at him. "Why? Because... I am _beautiful_!"

"Yeah... whatever." Spandam looked away. "Damn it! She's gone!"

"Who? Is there someone more beautiful than me?" Hancock asked in alarm, ignoring the line of hungry students attempting to get her attention.

"No. It's some little stupid brat. She doesn't belong here."

"_You _don't belong here. Your face is extraordinarily hideous and makes me want to gag." Hancock said casually.

"She's right, Mr. Spandam." one of the students in line, Kalifa, called.

"Stay out of this, Kalifa!" Spandam shouted.

"... that's sexual harassment." Kalifa said solemnly. Some students around her laughed.

"IN WHAT WAY?" Spandam screamed in frustration.

"That's also sexual harassment. I can have you charged for pedophila, Mr. Spandam. Just like I did with Mr. Sanji." Kalifa's glasses flashed as she pushed them up her nose.

"Gah...!" Spandam gritted his teeth and stalked away. Hancock hmphed and turned back to the students.

She surveyed them. "None of you are worthy to be served by me. Margeurite! Take over my shift." She tore off her customized apron and tossed it to the floor.

"Y-yes, Miss Hancock!" a more plain-looking woman took Hancock's place at the counter.

-X-

"Spandam, what are you doing?" Olvia asked, materializing behind Spandam. He jumped.

"Gah! Don't do that, you bitch!" Spandam shouted. Several students who were sitting nearby scooted away.

"Don't talk to her like that!" Sanji growled, clenching his fist.

"If you must know, your daughter is becoming involved with that weirdo over there. I told you she belongs in preschool. Soon she's going to be running around in a gang, shooting people and stealing" Spandam smirked, ignoring Sanji. He pointed to Robin, who was giggling at something Franky was saying.

"She's eight years old. And that boy happens to be my friend Iceburg's younger brother." Olvia said.

"As if I care!" Spandam said. He stood up and glared threateningly at Olvia.

"You bastard! Don't talk to a lady like that!" Sanji set to kicking Spandam repeatedly in the shin.

"Oh dear..." Olvia sighed as Sanji and Spandam began fighting, much to the watching students' delight.

-X-

"What the hell? You're an eleventh grader?" Franky's jaw dropped dramatically.

Robin nodded.

"Jeez. Now I feel dumb." Franky crossed his arms.

"I'm sorry." Robin patted Franky's shoulder.

"Eh, that's alright, I guess." Franky took a swig from his can of cola (he preferred the kind in the glass bottle, but it was better than nothing).

"There you are, Robin!" Nami came up to them. "Hey, Franky."

"Girlie." Franky nodded.

"Don't call me that!" Nami said angrily.

"Che. Whatever." Franky leaned back in his seat.

"Let's go find Zoro. He picks up whatever money other people drop and I take them." Nami took Robin's arm and began to lead her away.

"You mean Hobo-bro?" Franky perked up. "I'm coming too!"

"No way. I don't want to be seen hanging out with a _freshman_. Especially one that's perverted." Nami wrinkled her nose.

"What about her?" Franky gestured to Robin.

"Technically she's in my grade, so that's okay. _And_ she's really cute." Nami smiled, hugging Robin.

"That's discrimination!"

-X-

"Oi, Usopp!" Luffy called, waving.

"Hey! Don't draw attention to me!" Usopp hissed nervously.

"Oh. Sorry!" Luffy bounded over and sat down beside Usopp. He didn't seem to notice the stench of the dumpster. "How was business today?"

"Brook came by this morning and so did Wapol and Moria. They're my best customers." Usopp paused to back in the glory of his sucessful trade. He frowned. "Then Nami came by and took all my money."

"That sucks." Luffy said vaguely, picking his nose.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"What?"

"... never mind." Usopp sighed as the two of them ate lunch in the back parking lot behind a dumpster.

-X-

"So you're Nico Robin." Zoro said, crouching down and staring eye-to-eye with the small child.

"And you're the school's resident hobo." Robin said matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, if you wanna call it that." Zoro said. He stood up and handed Nami and fistful of dirty change. "Here. This is all I got today."

"Hm... yes... I suppose this will cover an eighth of your interest fees." Nami murmured.

"Why do you give Nami money, Mr. Hobo?" Robin asked.

"Oh. Well, I don't have a home so I just live here. I'm not supposed to be allowed, but Nami blackmails Principal Chopper to get him to twist a few rules so I can stay. So technically, I owe her big time." Zoro said with a tinge of regret.

"I don't even know why I bother." Nami sighed, shaking her head.

-X-

"Oi, Nico Robin!" Franky waved from the back row. The teacher, a lanky man with dark-shadowed eyes, didn't seem to notice Franky's outburst. In fact, the teacher didn't even seem to be aware that his classroom was filled with students, seeing as he was listening to his music player on full volume, loud enough so that everyone could hear the heavy guitar and drums.

"Is this class normally like this?" Robin asked, sitting in the desk beside Franky.

"Eh, he'll start in about twenty minutes. Mr. Trafalgar is the coolest teacher in the school." Franky said, pulling a fresh can of cola from his bag.

"I see." Robin nodded.

"Incoming!" a tall senior with spiky blood-red hair bellowed, chucking a football across the room. His friend, a blonde with a plain-looking hat that covered half his face, nimbly caught it. "Nice, Killer! Throw it back!"

"That's Eustass Kidd. You don't wanna get on his bad side." Franky whispered to Robin. "I heard he killed a guy before and got away with it because he framed someone else and they _believed _him."

"Is that so?" Robin asked doubtfully. Suddenly she ducked, and the football hit Franky smack in the face.

"Hey, kid! Throw it back!" Eustass yelled, holding up his hands.

"Yeah, yeah." Franky lobbed the football to Eustass and he resumed playing catch with his friend. Franky rubbed the spot where the football had hit him. "You see?"

"Al-right." the teacher suddenly took off his headphones and all the students, who had been jumping around and being noisy, immediately dove to their desks. All except for Eustass and Killer. Trafalgar raised an eyebrow at them. "You wanna sit down?"

"Make me, bastard." Eustass snarled, grinning dangerously. Then, much to Robin's surprise, Trafalgar flipped Eustass off.

"I don't like that attitude of yours, punk." Trafalgar's calm expression never faltered and he fingered a sharp letter opener on his desk. Killer's hand twitched to his pocket where the clear bulge of a pocketknife was visible in the side of his jeans.

"Too bad. Deal with it." Eustass spat. He nodded to Killer and they both sat down nonetheless.

"Cool." Trafalgar nodded. "Then let's see... chapter seven in your textbooks..."

-X-

Robin had to press herself against the wall to avoid being trampled by students as they stampeded out the building in a rush to escape from school. She was suddenly plucked into the crowd by Nami, who dragged her safely outside.

"You've got to be more careful! Someone could _step _on you!" Nami said, holding Robin close to her as a tall man with what appeared to be a white pigeon on his shoulder nearly knocked Robin over.

"Hmph." the man looked down at Robin from the corner of his eye.

"Sorry, Mr. Lucci!" Nami smiled nervously.

"Stay out of my way next time." the man said coldly. The pigeon cooed and flapped its wings as he walked away.

"He has a... violent aura." Robin said.

"No kidding. The last guy who messed with him went missing for two weeks. And when he came back, he said he was on vacation but no one believed him. He was missing three toes, too." Nami shuddered. "So, Robin, how was your first day of school?"

"It was... okay." Robin nodded.

"Pfft. That's such a cliche thing to say." Nami rolled her eyes. "Ah, I see Vivi there. I'll see you tomorrow, Robin!" She ran off to join a girl with a blue dye-job that made Nami's hair look normal by comparison. Robin made her way through crowds of lingering students to her mother's car, where she was waiting for her there.

"How do you like your new school?" Olvia asked as she pulled the car out of the parking lot. Robin caught sight of Luffy, Zoro, Usopp, and Franky crouching behind the dumpster. Sanji was striding towards them, fury written all over his face. Principal Chopper was timidly trotting behind him.

"The people are interesting." Robin decided.


End file.
